Dear You:

Note: Tobias Hustleman is a staff writer for TruthMerchants.com

Cross the fricking street with a little more effort!!

If I have some hot chicken wings in the car, I want to eat them shits. You can’t stop in the f-ing street because you accidentally skipped past your track on your Ipod. Grandma, your flexibility looks good. Get across the damn street. You can’t enjoy the lawsuit money if the guy whose chicken wings slipped off the seat uses you as a speed bump.

Yes, I will give you a dose of the horn because I hustle across the intersection when the roles are reversed. I am in full on “Frogger” mode when I cross the street. I don’t want to be the Asian lady’s speed bump.

That was racist. My bad…

Waiting with my hand on the horn and chicken wings on the floormat,

Tobias

Note: I.M. Haight is a staff writer for TruthMerchants.com

Dear Charmin Ultra,

Certain things in life you take for granted, you know?  The things you truly don’t miss until their gone.  Hot water, Monday Night Football…air.  Charmin toilet paper just jumped on that list.  I had the unfortunate opportunity of experiencing barely paper toilet paper recently.  It was then that I missed the comfort of 2-ply.  When I got home I wiped my ass just as a way of saying sorry.  I must say that after that sandpaper the Charmin felt like I was wiping with rabbit pelt.  I say all that to say thank you from the bottom…

Comfortably,

I.M. Haight

———————–

Dear ex-lady friend,

I know you wonder why I seemed uncomfortable last night.

Because I was…

Very.

I don’t know how you were raised but what you have in your bathroom is inexcusable.  Granted, it’s always uncomfortable when someone you know casually drops the kids off swimming in your pool for the first time.  Don’t worry; I double flushed so I didn’t leave any pennies on the counter.  But I wonder how you aren’t uncomfortable EVERY time you go in there!  I could sand down and refinish a dresser with that stuff!  Please enjoy the package of Charmin Ultra Soft and re-examine your life.

Uncomfortably,

I.M. Haight

Note: Preston Swagger is the webmaster and a staff writer at TruthMerchants.com

Well hello there…  I’m still fairly new to La La Land and I’d never stepped into the store before.   I’ve driven by it a million times (it sits on Hollywood Boulevard, just east of Cahuenga) but never gone in…

Until today.

The store is filled with every type of “alternative” chick you could ever wish for.

No…I’m not really into that.

But it can be so damn hot.  Everywhere I turned I saw a slightly more attractive version of the same thing:

The girl you could fall into complete lust with, have out-of-this-world, mind-numbing sex with until the crazy you knew was always there starts to leak out and you have to change the place where you usually park your car for fear of a broken window or slashed tire when you break things off.

But that sex is worth it everytime isn’t it!?

And I am into that.

Destructively yours,

P. Swagg

Note: I.M. Haight is a staff writer for TruthMerchants.com

Dear 60+ year old guy at the gas station,

I don’t think you realized what just happened.  I just saw what I will be like in 30 years.  I’ve always appreciated the geriatric community for their overall, “kiss my ass mentality”.   You take the cake though buddy!  From the gas face you gave me when I held the door open for you to the Yosemite Sam-like mumbling in line.  You were a glorious display of angst.  Please forgive me for my burst of laughter when the young guy behind you got to close and you turned to me and asked, “Is he feeling froggy?”  That shi t was just hilarious!!

With admiration,

I.M. Haight

Note: Seymour Monet is a staff writer for TruthMerchants.com

Dear Usain “lightning” Bolt,

As happy as I am for your newfound fame and amazing accomplishments, I have to call shenanigans here.  You sir, can not be real.  Alien?  Robot?  I’m not exactly sure yet.  I am sure, however, that 9.69s is impossible for mere mortals.   I desperately wanted you to run by somebody standing still so I could see them spin around in a cloud of dust!

With all that being said, Cyborg or Black Vulcan or whoever you are, thank you for the fastest thing I’ve ever seen in my life!

P.S.  If by some odd chance you are human.  Can you come play for the Panthers?  Please?

With amazing skepticism,

Seymour Monet

Note: Tobias Hustleman is a staff writer at TruthMerchants.com

Dear Elevator Gift Wrapper,

What you did today was really foul. Understandably, one can occasionally go overboard with the refried beans and cause a gassy situation. But I cannot allow you to offend our other co-workers with your gas and run tactics on the
elevator.

If you have to pass one, do it outside of the closed space.
Furthermore,  I don’t want to have to deal with the uncomfortable
situation of people cutting their eyes at each thinking, “who’s the loser
that farted in the elevator”.

Shit’s foul man…correct that.

Nauseously yours,

Tobias

Note: Seymour Monet is a staff writer at the NEWLY REDESIGNED TruthMerchants.com

Dear new J.P. Looney’s

I’ve heard the term “velvety goodness” in a candy bar commercial or some shit before–I’m sure of it.  But when you introduced me to your “$2 Tuesdays” with Newcastle and Blue Moon on tap I experienced it for the first time. I’m not sure exactly how to thank you.  This letter does not seem appreciative enough.   Maybe the 10 beers I drank will make up for it.

P.S.  Your bartender was pretty good considering he was working the bar by himself.  But he was a “he”.  Get some chicks in here OK?  I mean, how can it be heaven without a chick behind the bar?

Inebriatedly yours,

Seymour Monet

Note: Seymour Monet is a staff writer for TruthMerchants.com

Dear lady holding the Nextel to her ear while it’s on speakerphone,

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for providing perhaps the funniest image I have witnessed first-hand all year!  I want you to know that I wasn’t 100% sure I was going to send this letter until I confirmed whether or not you had a hearing aid.

You ma’am do not.

So seeing you hold your phone as if you were having a regular conversation and hearing your husband tell you about “that thing” that’s itching on his back again was more than enough to make my day.

Hysterically,

Seymour Monet

Note: Tobias Hustleman is a staff writer for TruthMerchants.com

Dear Nigga at the Taco Shop with the Kanye West Shades,

You’re not a platinum artist or producer.  Take them shits off and eat your chile relleno with your wooden nickel pink toe.

Sincerely,

Tobias

Note: Preston Swagger is the webmaster and a staff writer at TruthMerchants.com

I had some folks fall through the crib who had never been to Los Angeles.  This is a good thing and a bad thing. The good part is that you get to go for an old fashion “Hollywood” night out on the town. The bad part is that you have to go for an old fashion “Hollywood” night out on the town.  I walked into the nightclub “Opera” and the letters just start writing themselves:
—–
Dear Persian Guy Who Threw His Hands In The Air When The DJ Put On Danity Kane’s “Damaged”,

Put that shit down!!  You seem like the type of cat who learned about American pop culture customs by watching TV.  That’s fine, but you should get a friend who was raised here to help you fine tune things.  Next time a song by an all girl pop group comes on—just throw your hands up in your mind.  I’m pretty sure I watched you miss out on some pussy because of that move.  Just tryin to help you out for next time…
—–
Dear Girl Who Gave Me The Extended Cut Of Her New Film Entitled, “Nipple Slip”,

Good lookin out…
—–
Dear Brotha With The Bedazzled Jeans And The Doo Rag On,

I’ve already written enough…
—–
Dear Humongous Bouncer,

You were a real cool ass cat.  Most bouncers get a bad wrap.  I also love the fact that you’re gonna let me skip the line from here on out because I helped you get that girl with the phat ass’ number.  Her ass was ridiculous!  I guess if the shoe was on the other (humongous) foot, I’d let you skip the line over that shit too.  You know what?  I take it back, there really is no downside to a good old fashion “Hollywood” night.  I’ll see you boys and girls next weekend!!

Sincerly,
Preston