Dear You:

I don’t really care that you were staggering across Vine Street holding a beer in a paper bag.  Watching you weave from side to side while trying to walk straight was fairly amusing for me.  I mean sure it was only 6:30pm, but hey we all can have a tough day at the office sometimes.  Of course nothing about you said “office” or “I have a job of any kind”…but you get my point.

What did bother me, however, was your T-shirt.  You see a drunk black guy stumbling across Vine is a drunk black guy stumbling across Vine…but when the back of his shirt says “Obama 2008 - Change We Can Believe In”…well then my brotha…you’re kinda fuckin up the message.  I’ll buy you a new shirt my man…just promise me you’ll never wear that one again.

Patriotically yours,

–Preston

Well hello…

Sometimes I’m a lucky bastard…and today was one of those days.  When you pulled up at the light, it was readily apparent that your body was off the chain.  What I wasn’t ready for was when you lifted the visor on your helmet and showed me that smile…

Well hello…

I hope you use that business card I slid you.  We had the best conversation at that red light without saying a word.  And to think…I was only at that light because a hose blew on my car and I had to get it replaced first thing in the morning.  I’m usually rotting away at my desk at the time that I saw you.

Like I said…lucky bastard…

Dear Acura,

THANK YOU for giving me one shitty hose…

Fortuitously yours,

–Preston

Note: Preston Swagger is the webmaster and a staff writer for TruthMerchants.com

Hi Suge,

I must say…when I strolled drunkenly into Mel’s on Sunset, you were the last person I expected to see.  I also didn’t expect you to be more fucked up than me…walk in by yourself…hit on anything that had a hint of a vagina (you might have been to high to notice, but I saw some tranny’s) and then order just a milkshake.

I don’t get excited when I see celebrities.  Also, Suge…

You’re not a celebrity.

But there is a very palpable feeling in the air when you arrive.  You are pretty fascinating.  Mainly because of the fact that the chances that you’ll pass out, throw up, strangle someone, get jumped, and/or pull out a gun exist in equal quantities.  I mean that’s the definition of excitement isn’t it??  Anyway…hope to see you next week.

Hope that milkshake was everything you dreamed it would be,

–Preston

Seymour Monet is a staff writer for TruthMerchants.com

Look, I know I look young.  I understand this…I do.  I also know that you have to do your due diligence in assuring that you don’t get hosed by a fake ID.  But you are not a forensic document specialist.  Stop holding my license up to the light like you are trying to read a letter through the envelope.  You are not William Peterson, David Caruso, or Gary Sinise.  Look at the year, look at my face and let’s roll.  I’ve got some ice cubes and some ladies waiting to get tipsy.  And they’re two things I don’t like to keep waiting.

Impatiently,

Seymour Monet

Note: I.M. Haight is a staff writer for TruthMerchants.com

I am a recent patron of your establishment and I felt that you, as a new business, should be aware of something…

You don’t have hot salsa.

I repeat.

You do not have hot salsa.

I assume that you must not be aware of this, being that any respectable restaurant that calls itself “Mexican” must have some form of mouth charring hot salsa!  I can not imagine a world in which you would knowingly open your doors without anything to serve me that will make me regret ordering it.  It’s pretty standard for us “gringos” to come in and order the hottest shit on the menu to prove a point…and to get the trots the next day.  Don’t deny me my bubble guts!  That being said, the enchiladas were tasty.  So, all in all it wasn’t a horrible experience.  But next time I want taste and fire.

Indigestively,

I.M. Haight

Note: This article was submitted anonymously to Tobias Hustleman

Dear Tom Brady,

I never really liked you.  Not once.  Not ever.  But when I started this fantasy football league I thought I’d be stupid to not pick you up.  Oh how wrong I was.  Thank you for stepping up to the plate and showing me that your knee doesn’t bend both ways.  While we’re at it, let’s talk about how much your front line hates you, because while they let you eat shit, your back up seemed to do just fine. How dare you not take into consideration my fantasy season.

Now, now I’m officially screwed. Ah, bygones.  Enjoy your season on the bench you bastard.

Much Love,

Anonymous…

Note: Preston Swagger is the webmaster and a staff writer at TruthMerchants.com

I know it was dark and it was late.  At times like that you definitely have to be vigilant and observant.  I understand that.  Hell, there are some places that I leave at night and I have to keep my head on a swivel.  Plus, I understand that I’m a little over six feet tall.  Coming toward you in the dark….I’m sure that I seemed 8 feet.  It didn’t help that you were only about 5′5.

But…

Allow me to give you some advice, so that you can skip the heart attack next time.  If the guy coming toward you is carring a white bag with white styrofoam in it (easily visible at night)…he’s probably just hungry.  Further, if that same guy is fidgeting with a glowing square object…well then he’s probably just a hungry guy with a blackberry.

I’m not up on the latest crime statistics, but I’m almost positive that a guy carrying sushi and debating over which girl in his call log to hit back is not gonna rob or brutalize you.  I’m also not up on the latest weaponry, but I’m pretty sure they don’t have glow in the dark knives or guns yet.  Please believe I don’t mean to make fun of you old lady!  These are the types of observations that could SAVE your life!

——————–

Dear Google Images,

How come when I googled “scared old lady” you also threw in a picture of some 65+ year-old woman performing oral sex on some young stripper looking dude?!?  I know I turned off my search filter, but come on…  When I put “scared old lady”, I didn’t mean for you to scare the shit out of ME

Yours in fear and loathing,

Preston

Note: I.M. Haight is a staff writer at TruthMerchants.com

2nd Note: Day 26 is having a rough week

What’s up fellas?  Let me start by saying that I am not a fan so please don’t take this as lightly as any other fan mail.  I am writing you on behalf of real black men everywhere.  I speak for them when I say…

MAN UP!!!

I found myself flipping channels and I ended up on the new season.  Ummm…wasn’t it your boss who coined the term “bitchassness?”  I’m beginning to think that you were the sole inspiration for that.  I feel for you actually because it isn’t your fault.  This trend is something I’ve noticed amongst the younger generation as a whole.  And I could go on for days about the causes (absent fathers, no role models, lack of balls) but the onus is on you fellas.  I’m writing this because I still believe there is hope for you to be men.  Stop whining, stop being divas, check your emotions when it’s business time, and for God’s sake homeboy cut off those braids!!  You’re 28 and your hair is receding dog!!!

Angrily,

I.M. Haight

Note: Preston Swagger is the webmaster and a staff writer for TruthMerchants.com

The vocoder, autotune — whatever that thing is that makes your voice sound half computerized and half retarded — will you please stop it.  I actually didn’t mind it at first when T-Pain brought it back.  Before him you hadn’t heard it consistently since Roger Troutman.  So a little revival of the device wasn’t that bad…

At first.

But now it seems like every rapper is using it as a chance to SING.  Is that what’s really hood?  Kanye moaning (and partially ruining) his way through Young Jeezy’s “Put On” — Is that what’s hot in the streets?  Wayne (who might have the worst voice of all time for singing) whining more than the kid he PAID to do the hook for “Lollipop”.  And then the two of them getting together to sound like dying cats on the REMIX!

Great idea fellas.

Yall are supposed to be the tough rappers, but it seems like hip-hop was just a way to accomplish your long lost dream of becoming an R&B star (autotune or not).  I’m looking at you Ja Rule, 50, Kanye, & Lil Wayne.  Just stop it.  Take your finger out your ear and stop it!!

Yours in tone deafness,

Preston