Dear You:

Note: Preston Swagger is the webmaster and a staff writer at TruthMerchants.com

I know it was dark and it was late.  At times like that you definitely have to be vigilant and observant.  I understand that.  Hell, there are some places that I leave at night and I have to keep my head on a swivel.  Plus, I understand that I’m a little over six feet tall.  Coming toward you in the dark….I’m sure that I seemed 8 feet.  It didn’t help that you were only about 5′5.

But…

Allow me to give you some advice, so that you can skip the heart attack next time.  If the guy coming toward you is carring a white bag with white styrofoam in it (easily visible at night)…he’s probably just hungry.  Further, if that same guy is fidgeting with a glowing square object…well then he’s probably just a hungry guy with a blackberry.

I’m not up on the latest crime statistics, but I’m almost positive that a guy carrying sushi and debating over which girl in his call log to hit back is not gonna rob or brutalize you.  I’m also not up on the latest weaponry, but I’m pretty sure they don’t have glow in the dark knives or guns yet.  Please believe I don’t mean to make fun of you old lady!  These are the types of observations that could SAVE your life!

——————–

Dear Google Images,

How come when I googled “scared old lady” you also threw in a picture of some 65+ year-old woman performing oral sex on some young stripper looking dude?!?  I know I turned off my search filter, but come on…  When I put “scared old lady”, I didn’t mean for you to scare the shit out of ME

Yours in fear and loathing,

Preston

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