Dear You:

Tobias Hustleman is a staff writer for TruthMerchants.com

Dear you,

Some may think I have a fetish for feet and I do check them out. I wouldn’t have checked yours out had I not thought you had borrowed someone else’s feet. It’s perfectly o.k. to be in a rush to get to the airport and not have the time to properly moisturize, but you can’t cruise around the airport with the back of your heels looking like you’re wearing bags of flour for flip flops. It literally looks like you stole some white woman’s feet and slipped them on for comfort.

My boys are ashy right now, but I’m in my house. You were in Phoenix kicking up talc storms. Correct that.

Angrily armed with Vaseline Intensive Care,

T. Hustle.

 Tobias Hustleman is a staff writer for TruthMerchants.com

Dear Waffle House,

You continue to please. During my business trip to Arizona, your yellow sign was an oasis in the desert …literally. Being in California all this time has softened my yearning for greasy diner style food. The Tempe location had country ham and sweet tea.  These two items alone would be grounds for me to invade a small country if I were president. Thank you for being you Waffle House. Seasons change but hashbrowns don’t.

Covered, smothered and chunked for you,

T. Hustle

PS – Has anyone else ever noticed that the guys working the griddle at the Waffle House have the greatest memory of all time?!?  Seriously…it’s like the guy from Good Will Hunting is back there…

I.M. Haight is a staff writer for TruthMerchants.com

Dear T-Mobile,

Thank you for buying SunCom.  Really.  From the bottom of my soul I thank you.  Not only do I want to hit Harry Connick Jr. with an ACME hammer, I want to purge all memories of SunCom forever.  I knew things were going to be better on my first call to customer service.  Your voice prompt actually works!  I know that sounds small but a drop of water to a man in the desert is quenching.  I know no one like being on hold, me being no exception, but how can you be mad when you are playing some hip-hop!  I know you had to choose some Will Smith to make sure no one was offended.  But you chose Summertime!  The ONLY Will Smith song I like.  Kudos.  I even turned down my car radio to listen to your hold music.  That, kind people, is a first.  But at the end of the day you are a cell phone company.  Please don’t ruin this first impression T-Mobile.  I beg you.

Cautiously yours,

I.M. Haight

Seymour Monet is a staff writer for TruthMerchants.com

Dear Boss Lady,

Hello.  That is a picture of my inbox.  MY INBOX!  Not including the papers stuffed in my drawer tighter than your ass in those stretch pants.

That was unfair I know.

Want to know what else is unfair?  You asking me to run off some copies when I told you earlier that there is no way I can get my work done with 3 people on vacation!!  Make your own damn copies!  I know you have never done my job before so let me tell you what you are looking at here.  It’s called work!

Now that I have made you aware of my issues, I truly don’t expect anything to change.  So, don’t feel pressured to help me succeed.  Don’t delegate any work around since I’m the only person left on the team this week.  Please don’t offer to help me yourself in any way.  That would make entirely too much sense.

Approaching had it up to here,

Seymout Monet

Note: Preston Swagger is the webmaster and a staff writer for TruthMerchants.com

If you could move out…that would be phenomenal for me……..for us.  This is the second time I’ve seen you walking to your car in the morning… and I must say you are really doing it for me.  But there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY I would ever date my neighbor.  The negatives far outweigh the positives.

If you turn out to be crazy…stalking me would be no problem.

If I decide to see other girls while I’m seeing you…you can see when and where they are there…when and where I’m home.

I mean your legs make me think unholy thoughts…this I can’t deny…but it’s still not healthy for either one of us to have that great a view into the other’s life right away.

So since you’ve been here longer, I think you should go.  You’ve gotten to enjoy this neighborhood longer than I have, I think it’s only right you let me have my turn now.  You don’t have to move far…and I promise…I’ll make it up to you.

As long as you’re not crazy.

Anxiously,

–Preston