Dear You:

Dear Joaquin Phoenix,

Please don’t rap!  Seriously.  Look at me!  PLEASE. STOP. THIS.  I always thought you were a good actor — I really liked Gladiator and We Own The Night, especially.  So when I heard you were “retiring” from acting …I was a bit perplexed.  When I heard you were doing so to become a rapper…I thought you were kidding.  Then when I heard you’ve got Casey Affleck shooting this entire debacle to later make a documentary… well then I didn’t have a thought…just a stupid look on my face.

Then came the footage:

Now I can’t make out what you’re saying here — so let me start by saying “thank you” for that.  but then the video of you falling off of the stage emerged…

This just has to stop.  You were a respected actor with (I’m assuming) plenty of money.  I’m never one to tell a person not to follow their bliss…but can you at least practice in the mirror first??

After all there’s a difference between following your bliss and jumping around like an idiot on stage.

Thanks for your time,

Preston

Dear Shane,

This is one of the most heartfelt “Dear You” pieces I’ve ever written. No laughs. No jokes. I have been a fight fan since my childhood. This was back when ABC still showed boxing on the Saturday “Wild Word of Sports” joints. Over the years, good fighters have come and gone. Iron Mike became soft putty. Roy Jones Jr. proved to have a chin made of champagne glass. Trinidad got exposed. On a side note, Trinidad fights will always be my favorite. Either he was knocking somebody the “F” out or he was going to get jabbed to death. De La Hoya was a beast as a young man and always took the fights which says a lot about a man who never backs down.

Floyd and Pac Man…please take notes. Pac Man gets it because he will get in ring and beat the brakes off someone (See exhibit A: De La Hoya fight). Floyd, skill wise, you’re about the best I’ve seen but you seem too worried about being undefeated.

Shane, I spent money on tickets, beer, gas and sat in a crowd of Mexicans fearing for my life, but it didn’t matter because I was the one yelling at the end. When I thought you had been exposed against Forrest and Winky Wright, you came back and busted Vargas. You fought what  I thought was a draw against Cotto and came back did something I had never seen. You scored a knockout in the last second of the last round in the fight against Mayorga. Still more, you beat the man who destroyed Cotto, and I saw it in person. I was there for the Wright fights and this made up for all of it. I’m sorry I didn’t make the money betting on you this time, but the time invested was well worth it. You’ve taken over the number 1 spot for now. Number 2 will be the winner of the hopefully imminent Pacquiao-Mayweather bout. Chad Dawson, Andre Berto, Paul Williams and Victor Ortiz round out my list.

In love with boxing all over again,

T. Hustle

Dear Robert Downey Jr.,

If someone told me in 2007 that a white actor would play in black face, I would have laughed…and then possibly assaulted that person.  If I was told that that someone would be you…I never would’ve believed it.  If I were told that it would be hilarious…I would have been beyond skeptical…and if I were told that you’d be nominated for an academy award for your performance…I would have bet my testicles on the contrary.

I mean…comedies never get the oscar nod

Well congratulations to you and my balls.  Tropic Thunder was indeed hilarious and I thought you were brilliant.  There is certainly some interesting competition in your category, so I doubt you’ll win (I’m personally pulling for Heath) — but I think just getting the nod is a great thing.

Looking forward to whatever you come up with next,

Preston

(Submitted by G)

Dear YouTube Singers,

If you could stop uploading those bullshit videos of yourself singing the popular song of the moment horrendously — it would be amazing for me.  When I do a search for Jazmin Sullivan’s I Need You Bad…guess what I’m NOT looking for.

Tiffany Johnson singing Jazmin Sullivan’s I Need You Bad.  And really…

Who is?????

I mean why even do this?  Do you think record execs are trolling around YouTube looking for the next big grainy webcam act.  Do you really think you’ll ever get this call: “Listen, I caught you singing Shakira on YouTube and I was just blown away!  Can you come by my office today??”

Singing badly is one thing.  Singing badly and recording it is another.  But singing badly, recording it, and forcing it onto the rest of the world is just criminal.  I’m not kidding.  I feel like you’re breaking some sort of statute!!

Yours In Ridiculousness,

G

Dear Homeless Dude With The DVD Player,

I’m not sure that I have the words.

As I walked across the patio at the Coffee Bean on my way to the bank, I saw you sitting in a chair with your back to me.  I immediately thought, “this guy has the dirtiest hair I’ve ever seen”.  So you can imagine my surprise when I peered over your shoulder as I walked by and saw you watching a movie on your(?) portable DVD player!

Huh??

You didn’t want to spend that money on some clean clothes?  A haircut?  SOME COFFEE??!?  I mean you were AT the Coffee Bean.
I’m not naive.  I know that the chances are very good that you obtained that DVD player through less than honest methods.  But I’m also a bit of an optimist.  So let’s say you maybe found the DVD player on a trash heap or something (it was a very old model).  Here’s my question:

Where did you get the movie you were watching in it?!

I mean I know people throw out players that don’t work, but they usually keep their movies.

As I left the bank and headed back across the Coffee Bean patio to my car, you were still there and you did something I never thought possible.  You took my utter amazement to another level…

YOU asked ME for some spare change!!!!!!!!!!  Seriously?!?!?!?  Sell the goddamn portable DVD player!!!!

Yours in utter bewilderment,

Preston

PS — Where do you even go to charge the battery on that thing?!?!?!?!?  I’m so confused?!?

Dear Will,

I wouldn’t give you garbage for Christmas so why would you do it to me?

Somewhere out there, a young lady went to see “Seven Pounds” and told me I should see it because it was the best movie of the year.

So I did…

And after the Grim Reaper gave me a “No Refunds” slip for two hours of my life, I promptly messaged my friend and asked her why she ruined my Christmas.  She said the movie was heartfelt and the ending was surprising.

Yeah, I was surprised it was so bad.

For one, the robot from “I, Robot” had more personality than Will Smith in this movie. Along with this, the guy swims like a fish in the ocean with one lung and part of a liver. Rosario Dawson did look good though.  But she looks good when she is supposed to look bad.

Truthfully, if you ever see this movie, you’ll see why I wanted to punch Woody Harrelson in both eyes for that garbage ending. Someone in the movie theater even had the nerve to say it’s going to win some Oscars…yeah Oscar Meyer. In fact, I would have been upset if I had traded a bologna sandwich for tickets to that movie.

Next time Will, tell me to spend the $10.50 on some Blue Moon.

Hoping there’s not a Six Pounds prequel,

Jheri Miracle

Dear Lebron James,

Was that really necessary?  I come home from a hard day of work and I eat some dinner.  I flip over to ESPN so that I can enjoy some NBA action with my meal.  And what do I get??  You putting on an absolutely DISGUSTING performance against the Celtics!  I almost threw up the food I had just eaten.

38 Points

7 Rebounds

6 Assists

4 Steals

3 Blocks

Those numbers are just NASTY!!  They’re hard to look at while eating.  I don’t have as much money as you do, Lebron.  If you put up numbers so sick that I throw up……well then that’s just money wasted for me!!  I don’t need that!

WE ARE IN A RECESSION!!

Going forward, if you can let me know when you are going to lose your mind and drop astronomical numbers on an opposing team, I’d really appreciate it.  That way I’ll watch the game on an empty stomach.

You are a bad…bad…man Lebron.  Congrats in advance on your MVP trophy.  You look more unstoppable than ever, which is an outrageous thought in and of itself.

Yours in complete awe,

Preston

Dear Lesbian Vampire Killers,

Or should I say — The MAKERS of Lesbian Vampire Killers — Wow!!  This film looks hilariously awful in the most amazing way!!  There’s something to be said for straight forward marketing (i.e. Snakes on a Plane) — I mean we all know what this movie is about.  Unlike……say……..Seven Pounds (you’ve got a letter coming Mr. Smith).

While I will admit — when I first saw the title I wasn’t sure if this movie was about lesbian’s who hunt and kill vampires — or if it was about lesbian vampires who need to be hunted and killed…..but really…….

Who cares?????  Does it lose any appeal either way??  Plus it looks like the film has a twist of “english spoof” to it — like Shaun of the Dead or Hot Fuzz…

Even better!!

Working in the independent film world, the amount of crap I come across is astronomical.  It’s why I’m so thankful when a gem like this comes along.

If you’d like to see more — click HERE

Thanks guys!!  Keep up the good work!!

Preston

Dear You,

I knew you were gonna be trouble from the day that I met you…and I wasn’t wrong.  You’ve been a problem for me ever since.

Your sense of humor.  Your looks.  Your good heart.  Your eyes.  Your smile.  Your laugh.  Your moan.

They’ve combined to create a pool of quicksand for me.  A quagmire of qualities…

Because…

I love each and every one of them.

I’ve done more than fall for you.  I’ve fallen for every piece that comprises you.

I was enjoying my single life.  I didn’t see you coming.

Now I can’t picture you going…

Yours,

D. Will

Dear women with football loving guys,

Yeah….ummm….if you don’t like football…it’s gonna be a rough weekend for you.  There was a triple header of college bowl games today (Alabama is currently getting worked over).  One tomorrow just before an NFL Playoff double header.  Another NFL Playoff double header on Sunday and a BIG bowl game on Monday night right in the timeslot that the NFL’s Monday Night Football game just vacated.

The good news for you is that if you can make it til next Thursday, half of your football issues will be over, because that is the night of the last college football game of the season.  The NFL will still be around but only on the weekend and the Superbowl always gives way to good parties whether you like football or not.  (with the former in mind, if you could plan whatever trips we need to make to Home Depot and the like in between the last few NFL playoff games, that’d be wonderful).

If you happen to be a football loving female:

God bless you.  You are the salt of the earth and a light in darkness…

Yours in distraction,

Preston